Where to go now with Scooter / venting a bit

Up late again... can't sleep. Hate this insomnia, hate this depression. I hate feeling like I'm just drifting around in space. I wish I could go see my family. My sister is so sick... and I can't be there... I really just want to go home. I dropped Scooter's food bowl on the floor today and shattered it into a million pieces. The bowls previously belonged to my deceased family dog. She had to be PTS the year before last, at 15 years old. We had her since she was a puppy. I know I probably shouldn't be sentimental about a food bowl but I feel kinda crappy about it. Even up until her last days, she loved nothing more than she loved food. I strongly recall the sound of the tags on her collar clinking against the ceramic as she ate. Today has been a really crappy day in general. I caught the wrong bus on accident today on my way home and got really scared. I don't live in the safest city. People get stabbed and kidnapped more than I'd like and I was unfamiliar with the area. I started to panic and walked to a nearby school to wait for a transfer bus. What do you know, at the exact same time, Ben had decided to grab McDonalds for dinner and he was on the bus too. He gave me a funny surprised look when I walked on the bus. That made me smile. But in missing my bus, I also missed out on picking myself up something for dinner. So I was hungry and cold and miserable but at least I felt safe with Ben.

Maybe if I cleaned my house I'd feel better. I hate being a lazy slob but when I'm like this I just can't will myself to do anything...

Anyways..

Scooter's numbers are still really erratic. Sienne said something on my last board (why do you call them condos?) about squeezing in a dose increase after the cycles where he's not bouncing. I probably should be making this decision on my own, but I've just been so frazzled lately. I really need someone to point me in the right direction. I haven't been paying much attention to his numbers lately and I know that is bad. I just test him when I remember... shoot 1.25, and forget about it. I hate seeing his mood so up and down. He goes from playing like a kitten one night, to hobbling around and sleeping like he's 16 and not 6 the next. Tonight is one of those downer nights. He hasn't left the couch in over 6 hours. He did hog the bed last night and keep me awake, though.

Is there anything else I can do for him? I feel like I'm not trying hard enough... but I think he understands.

I will test him once more before bed. Tomorrow's another day, right?

 

((Ry))) Tomorrow is another day and I hope it is a better one for you. If these feelings are following you around like a dark cloud, you may need some emotional support. It's hard enough to deal with the factors of FD when you are feeling strong and capable. If you need some help, please get it. Life is too short to spend your days feeling scared and crappy and your nights unable to get the release and restoration of sleep.

We call them condos because this is where our lives play out. You are my neighbor and friend. I care.

 

(((((((Ry))))))))))

Life seems so hard and frightening sometimes. I know I would be freaked out getting on the wrong bus in my area too. I recall one time riding the bus to work and it has to pass through several bad neighborhoods...a guy got off the bus and banged on the side of the bus and was pointing at me? I had done absolutely nothing to provoke such a response and it frightened me very badly. The guy was a nutcase, but that doesn't change the fact he was being physical and beating on the side of the bus.

Surprise that Ben was on your transfer bus! Sounds like somebody was maybe looking over your shoulder. I am sure that had to be a huge relief and blessing for you.

Yes we all do have some grief from time to time. Just the other night I went to call one of the cats...and called for my precious Krueger instead. Wow I thought...where did that come from and why am I thinking about him. Sometimes I think they come back to comfort us when we're really upset. They come through to us in our thoughts and dreams and while it sometimes sparks a bit of lonliness and longing for them...we recall the comforts they gave. Like the tags clinking when they ate or the way Krueger would lay across my side and purr giving me his loving.

Scooters numbers seem to be settling down a bit...I don't see any RED the last few days. I do think you could take that increase Sienne mentioned anytime now. It is not about how hard you try...other than to get the needed testing, it is up to Scooter's body. I think sometimes that is the hardest thing to realize...we can only do so much and after that...the best we can do is have patience and trust.

I see you are in a Northern area and it is not all that unusual to have depression this time of year. Less sunlight, post holiday blues, bills .... :YMSIGH: . I find there are times when just speaking to my therapist is enough to keep me on the straight and narrow. I don't see her as often as I used too, but she gave me a few skills to help me out along the way. Things like daily journaling , the 5 daily gratitudes, etc. You may need to get to your doctor to get some help with the sleep issues if you can. Lack of sleep can really mess you up both physically and mentally.

 

((((Ry)))) Thinking of you and hoping you have a better day today! It is hard when everything seems to be against you. Take care of yourself and try to get some rest.

 

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I just need to blab. I've been cooped up in this basement for 6 months now with no one to really talk to other than Ben. I love him to death but sometimes I just need social interaction.

I want to be doing something with my life right now... and I've been trying really hard, but everything from being a high school dropout, to not being able to drive, to having to care for a household and Scooter makes things really tough :?

What I really, really want to do is visit my sister. She was diagnosed with widespread aggressive cancer out of the blue in September. She has been through a ton of rough surgeries, chemo, etc... she is improving but the toll on her body has been significant. I just want to go there for a while... to help her out and take a bit of the weight off her shoulders. My niece is 5 now and in kindergarten... growing up so fast.

I have done the whole therapy thing before. They just like to prescribe pills as a fix-all solution. I've seen what dependance on those pills does to people, and I've been there myself... and I don't ever want to go back. That's what makes reaching out really tough for me.

 

The lady I see is a psychotherapist and she doesn't prescribe medications. I know those drugs can really get you to disconnect, when what you are trying to do is connect. A psychotherapist works more with personality growth and behavior modification. LIke I said, I still have my ups and downs but she taught me skills to use for my situation. I am sorry if I offended you, I certainly did not mean too.

 

Ry's pattern is challenging to figure out. If it looks like it's a "flat" cycle or you get a blue pre-shot number, that's a time to increase. Others may have a way to help you figure out if Scooter is bouncing.

The depression and insomnia (I'm looking for a more PC word and can't find one) suck. Take care of yourself. Do something you enjoy or that gives you a sense of accomplishment. You are taking care of Scooter and those days when he's playing like a kitten are proof of that. Some days are more difficult than others. Breaking the food bowl is sad but the memory of the sound of your dog's tags clinking against the bowl had to make you smile. He's still in your heart.

We call them condos because of:

And, it's much easier to visit other "condos" than other people's threads. (I didn't understand the reference either. Jill explained it to me.)

 

No offense taken, I just haven't been able to find any sort of therapist yet that isn't a pill pusher. Healthcare up here is really hit and miss.

Anywho... one thing that makes me laugh is when Ben asks me why Scooter likes me more. He sleeps in my chair, lays on my clothes, sleeps by my feet, comes to me when I call him but not Ben... and I really don't know why, but he just seems like a ladies man to me ;-)

And in a few more years... no more condo living for me... I can't stand being able to hear EVERYTHING that goes on upstairs!!! So maybe I should start calling my thread my home. Because I don't wanna live in a condo ever again. :razz:

Maybe I will visit my sister for spring break. I might have enough money for the bus by then. Depends on Scooter's dental situation...

 

((((Ry)))) I'm so sorry that things are tough for you right now. We all have had rough patches in our lives and have had to find ways to deal with them. You reached out to a kitty who needed a home, adopted him, and now he needs a different kind of help and you are providing that help. That is a huge accomplishment and a testimony to your big heart. You and Scooter will get through this. Cats pick up on our sadness, and on our inner turmoil. They are very intuitive. Scooter's bg numbers are improving, thanks to your care and your encouragement. Let him help you as you help him.

How far away does your sister live? Would it be possible to visit her for a day or a weekend? Perhaps Ben could take care of Scooter for a day or two?

Thinking of you and hoping that things will work out for you. Try getting out every day for a walk. It really helps to get out of the house, even if just for a little while.

Every day can be a better day,

Hugs,

Ella & Rusty

 

I've drafted a big long reply but keep editing it and deleting it.

A few thoughts:
1. Find a way to be with your sister. Even if its skype. This kind of news can throw anyone for a loop, let alone someone already fighting depression.

2. Depression does have a chemical component. So don't exclude it. My Dad was bipolar and I also really fear medication. But if it prevents you from being well, you won't ever get out of the rabbit hole. Find a doctor you trust. My psychiatrist does more than push pills. He has homework for me. It is cognitive and behavioural. I choose to be happy. Check out happiness-project.org also.

3. The basement is probably adding to your black cloud. I just bought a 10000lux/lumen what ever, white light for light therapy. I work from home and don't get out in the sun. I hate the cold.

4. I have fired my doctor. Long story. I finally got the courage to stop going back. She isn't a good doctor and has me labelled and to my detriment. Long story. And I am a huge conflict avoider. I'm seeing a naturopath on Thursday.

5. Insomnia - I battled this a few years back. Night sweats and insomnia. I waited too long trying natural things - sleep tea, no caffeine, melatonin, sleep hygeine etc. I felt like a truck hit me. Don't wait too long. Its been years and my energy never came back (nor did my memory or concentration) even though I started sleeping again at about the 9 month mark.

Hang in there.

 

{{{{{Ry & Scooter}}}}} My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

 

RYLEE! I just read your profile, looked at your SS and read the posts here--
WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT, YOU BRING ABOUT! That is the principle of the book "The Secret"--
Time for you to start thinking more positive, and your life will become more positive as well--

Look at the positives in your life--You have a cat that is improving slowly, perhaps, but has 2 beans who really care about him...You have a partner in your life(many ladies would give a finger to have someone who cares),
you have a roof over your head, no matter how you feel about it (you could try to brighten it up-Yes?),
and you have the support of all the peeps here in Lantus land!!

We have all been where you are, in the deep depression hole, but somehow, when things improve, so do we--
Moonie my cat, has been here almost 4 yrs, with bad bad days, and great days,some in between.
They respond to light, weather, and believe it or not, to our moods!! If you are in a bad mood, so will Scooter.

Life isnt always fair, but it is full of possibilities--I see that in you! Try to get out a bit, even buy yourself a nail polish today, doing something that's just for you..Makes you feel like you matter!
You are really lucky, you are young & have so much good stuff ahead--
So does Scooter--So, try to make today better, get out in the sun, get Scooter a little toy he might like,
& see how much you have in your life--
Been where you are, glad where I am now & you can be too--Hugs & Love from us!!

 

This is quite interesting: Ry described the same kind of symptoms that Terra exhibits: alternating apparent well-being with being really down. No one has addressed that here in this thread, just wondering if it is the typical way for a non-regulated diabetic cat. I've been pointed in the direction of looking at pancreatitis. But if that's just typical FD cat behavior i'd like to know that.

Thanks. And warm thoughts to you, Ry. I admire you for being brave enough to share what's going on with you and asking for support. Not being isolated is really important.

 

((((((((Ry))))))))

I'm glad you posted here in Lantus Land today. Life does have it's ups and downs.
I will add one thing to all the wonderful feedback you have already received here today, regarding your comment (below):
Take care of yourself first.

I got a serious beat down a couple years back; diagnosed with breast cancer and Parkinsons disease both within a 2 week period.
I feel best when my home is clean and in perfect order and I just have not been able to accomplish that (yet) since my diagnoses.
As my strength and energy slowly return, anything left over after work I use to strengthen my body. Right now there is no energy left after that.
When I find myself stressing over the state of things around the house, I remember these words from the late great Erma Bombeck:

Unless it's on fire or blocking the fridge - it can wait.

Hang in there

 

On the topic of where to go now with Scooter, I agree with the others who have recommended an increase.

BTW, what was his AMPS today?

 

:YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: :YMHUG: Vent away! That is another of the reasons that this site is so wonderful. We are here to listen to you! It can magnify our problems when those around us have no clue as to why we are so focused on our cats. We understand and there are a lot of shoulders here to cry on.

You have gotten a lot of advice here. Most especially to take care of yourself! Make time to do something you love every week, for me it's ceramics classes. Getting out and being w/ other people helps! Don't focus on what you can't do , think about what you can.

I haven't been to your condo before, so I'm not up on all of Scooter's details. I know you said Scooter needs a dental, do you think you could possibly brush his teeth? Tess has always had bad teeth too. She needed dentals every year. Since I started brushing her teeth she hasn't needed one in 2 years. It isn't as hard as i thought when we started. It could help a lot until you can afford the dental.

You also mentioned neuropathy. Have you tried methyl B-12? What about a joint supplement?

You are a special person because you are trying to help Scooter. Believe in yourself!

 

I agree that doing a bit of cleaning and organizing can make you feel better in ways that are not expected. I follow the FlyLady system (just check her website, all the info is there, it doesn't cost money or anything) and I love it because it's all about not beating yourself up. You do what you can, and you are encouraged to take "baby steps" so you don't get burned out and discouraged. It's not rocket science, but it gives you a place to start and a strategy to follow that is doable.

I know what it's like to be depressed and feel like nothing matters, and the smallest thing is a gargantuan effort. FlyLady and trying to get a tiny bit of exercise every day (especially on days when I don't feel like it) are the only "mundane" things that have ever helped improved my mood a little. I also agree that trying to get out of the house each day helps somewhat. Of course we are all different, but I personally think that you may just need to find a strategy that allows you to feel a little better without being too hard on yourself, or taking too much on at once. I could be wrong, but even though I know it is stressful, it seems like taking care of Scooter is somewhat of a comfort to you.

I'm sorry about your sister's illness and the insomnia. I can only imagine that worrying about your sister is adding to your stress and exhaustion. Above all, definitely go easy on yourself.

Hugs to you and Scooter.

 

you know, there's nothing like other women to just plain get it. we get it. it's hard being young and single. it's hard having a diabetic cat. it's hard not to have enough money to do what you want/need - which also goes along with being young and single!

here's what has worked for my kids, who are all your age. my youngest is 19 and eldest is 25. 2 of them have taken 5HTP - it's a supplement, not a prescription drug, that provides the tryptophan for your own brain to make the chemicals serotonin and melatonin - those make you feel happy and help you sleep. think of it like this. your brain needs the tryptophan in order to make those chemicals. if you want to make bread, you have to have enough flour. without enough flour, nothing can help you make bread.

however, don't take it if you're taking an antidepressant. do your own research on it before you buy it also. i'm just an internet stranger. what i can tell you is that it has worked in my family and we've had people taking it for years. you can buy it in a health food section with the supplements or in a health food store, or online.

we also live in the northern part of the hemisphere and depression is rampant here. a light box can make an incredible difference. you have to get up every morning and use it for 1/2 hr at the same time, first thing when you wake up, every morning. when my youngest was in 7th grade we were so afraid for her - one weekend on a lightbox turned it around. i'm telling you they are amazing. if you can't invest in one, a walk outside at 7am or so every morning is even brighter than a light box and will do the same thing.

but beyond the advice, i just want to reassure you that you ARE doing a good job. it IS hard. but the best things come through work. hang in there, ry. i think being a young adult is probably the very hardest phase of life. you're right in the thick of it and it truly does get better. :YMHUG:

regarding Scooter feeling good one day and not another - many of us have noticed that our cats seem to settle in and feel best in one BG range. then when they go high or lower than that range, whatever it is, they seem lethargic. i think of it like caffeine. i have 2 cans of diet dr pepper every day. my body likes that. everything about me likes that. if i skip my ddp i am tired and cranky. no caffeine is a natural state, but it's not MY natural state. 3 cans of ddp make me a little jittery and i can't sleep an entire night after i've had them. so the swing either direction makes me feel badly. i think the cat's BG swings might feel like that too.

this is a little different than Terra where we've suggested getting her checked for pancreatitis because terra also doesn't want to eat and is meatloafing - parked in a meatloaf position. i'm assuming Scooter is just sleeping and low-energy. if he's also not eating and acting sick, then perhaps it's not just his BG fluctuations.

ps, and i understand about your dog's bowl. you loved her and it reminded you of home & perhaps an easier time in your life. hold tight to the memory and it won't leave you. it would matter to me too.

 

Hi, Ry!!

So many folks have said so many lovely things here, so I will just add one thing...
My deepest hopes that you can see your sister soon.

My sister is a young gal in a nursing home, and my mom was Dx with breast cancer...
but my job was in another state.
i was finally able to relocate (come back home)...and didn't realize until I did so
how much stress over their situations was contributing to my insomnia and leading to depression.

And can't help but laugh at your comment about Scooter being a "ladies man"...
HE'S GOT THE LOOK! :lol:

Sending you a big tiger hug, lady...

celi & binks

 

Hey, thanks for the condolences everyone... I wish I could reply to each post. But I have read them all and thank you all. I do have a lot of light down here actually, it's not a full basement. Walk out in the back. And I have a nice LED array for my display tank right beside my desk that puts off about 4,200 lumens... and only consumes 36 watts!

But I wanted this thread to be more about Scooter's progress, not a pity party for me. The bit of a vent was just to give insight about why I feel so down about Scooter's progress (or lack of)... and why I'm struggling with what to do next.

His AMPS this morning was 333 and he was at 299 at +4. So another flat, high curve. In the past 9 cycles the lowest I've caught him at is 140. TR sticky says I could do an increase now. Actually, TR says his starting dose should have been a lot higher, because he's a big cat! So much conflicting info. Anyways. Guess I'll do 1.5u tonight.

 

i think increasing by .25 is a good choice.

we all got sidetracked because people can relate. :YMHUG:

 

Best of luck with the increase!!!

And Scoots...USE THAT EXTRA JUICE WISELY!!!!!!

 

Hi again, Ry and Scooter,
I would think that you can certainly take Scooter's dose up to 1.50. It is time! Good luck with the increase.

Ella & Rusty

 

(((Ry))) I hope today is a better day for you. I'm also in the north, Nova Scotia, and sometimes find the darkness difficult at this time of year. I spend my time reading self improvement books. Have you heard of Louise Hay? She's an amazing lady who is a high school drop out and now owns a multi million dollar company. I highly recommend her book "You Can Heal Your Life". It's just a plain and simple book all about the power of positive affirmations. Its amazing what the power of the mind do. I wish you all the best